People of normal weight really think that way?!

At the beginning of summer my family went to visit the in-laws.  We had a wonderful time!  I have wonderful in-laws!  But something my Father-in-law said one day struck me a little funny and really made me stop and think.  He was talking about a morbidly obese woman who lived nearby whom he just adored.  He talked about how sweet she was and how kind.  Then he said he wished he could just go in and tell her what to eat so she could lose weight and be healthy.  This would, in his eyes, make her happy.  Hmmmm.  I completely understand where he's coming from.  This makes total sense from an outsider's point of view.  Especially considering the way the media portrays weight loss.   

 I had to ask myself , "Do normal weight people really think this way?"  I guess I did when I was thin.  I just forgot I did.  "If only they lost weight their problems would be over.  Why can't they just get up and stop being lazy?  Why don't they just stop eating all the junk? Wait, I know...she must have old outdated ideas about weight loss, that's it!  The new science tells us that people who have been losing weight for years did it all wrong.  There's only one way and she keeps picking the wrong one!

But things were different then.  Before I was hurt and broken.

A little insight from the other side pointed out that if the perfect balance of carbs and fats was really the answer then why is it we aren't seeing every person of normal weight using measuring cups and food scales?  I've actually seen skinny people eat fast food!!  How can this be?  Are normal weight people smarter, more intuitive or just more disciplined?  Must be just a freak of nature when fat people succeed in business, art and politics then.   

So here it is...Obesity isn't usually a problem of what is eaten but why.  That's why so many people gain the weight back.  Gosh, did they pick the "wrong" diet?  Did they forget what to do?  Are they just the weak people of the world?  Maybe they're just lazy.  Really?!  I often think when I feel like someone is judging me as lazy, "Look Buddy, why don't you strap an extra 80 or more pounds on your belt for the next decade and see if YOU don't look for a place to sit down!.  By the way I bet I'd smoke you in one of those cub scout leg wrestles!"

Have you ever watched someone on a weight loss show, who stands in front of millions of people watching TV, blink into the camera and say, "I don't know how this happened.  It just snuck up on me."?  And you thought, "WHAT?!  How does 300 lbs of ANYTHING sneak up on you?"  Translation for normal weight people.  What she's really saying is, "I had to make myself so numb to deal with the emotional pain that I was incapable of caring what was happening to my body and therefore didn't notice how bad it had gotten.  I was focused on the numbing of pain and when I could no longer function normally in society and felt judged for my situation my pain increased and so did my need to numb it.  I was blindly caught in a cycle I couldn't get out of."

So what can you do?  Let's look at this in a little different way.  What if you're loved one has a painful and debilitating disease that requires medication to control the pain and stop the progression of the disease.  You discover one day the medication itself is creating a new problem (as nearly all meds do).  As a loving and concerned friend or family member do you insist that person get off the medication at once and stick it out hoping they can endure the pain and don't get worse before you can find a cure?  Or, perhaps do you look for something else to replace the needed meds so the person doesn't suffer needlessly or get worse because they've lost the benefit they were receiving, albeit imperfect?  Ideally you choose option 3.  Find a way to transition your loved one to a healthier medication while trying to find a cure so meds are no longer necessary. 

The point is you can't rip food away from someone to make them happy.  There has to be a process of finding a healthy replacement while searching for a cure.  BTW, the cure isn't weight loss it's self-esteem otherwise the weight loss is temporary.

The problem is some people try to replace the bad medication with an ineffective one.  It's like putting acne cream on leprosy.  You can't help a person to find happiness by telling them they can't have what makes them feel worthwhile without giving them something else that does.  There are few people on this planet, fat or not, who have the "discipline" to forgo the feeling of love and acceptance for months or years in hopes that one day they will be truly loved and completely accepted.  Most people, in some form, accept whatever love or even just attention they can get today.  Because it is vital to basic survival.  So think about where you find peace and comfort and ask yourself if you could give it up for a full year on a "maybe" and see if you don't feel a little dependent and weak.

The other problem, the biggest problem is that most people try to treat the symptoms and not the illness.   They mistakenly believe that losing weight will magically make someone better.  Perhaps for a lucky few this is the case and they are the ones that don't relapse.  They're cured.  They figure it out and are on their way.  But this, I believe is rare.  More often it's like saying treating the migraines will cure the cancer.  Will treating the migraines bring more comfort?  Absolutely!  That's why people who lose weight seem so happy and relieved at first.  Things do seem better.  But when the "cancer" progresses bigger problems arise.  You notice they begin the same negative self-talk, they are still paranoid they are being judged by someone or they turn it outward and become critical of others.  The "cancer" spreads until the waistline begins to spread again as well.  Normal weight people are baffled because all they could see is that the outward obvious pain seemed to be gone.  Why would they go back?

Obesity is rarely a sickness, it's usually a symptom of one.  And simple weight loss doesn't bring lasting life changing joy any more than a trip to the Bahamas.  Eventually you come home and life resumes.  If you still hate yourself when you come home neither one matters in the long run. 

It's so easy for counselors and personal trainers to blame their clients for not changing when they fail to address the real need.  Their clients  need more love and total acceptance.  They need to know that they are worthwhile, useful, and yes, even special.  They need it from someone they aren't paying or who might have a personal agenda.  They don't need another list of shoulds or another lengthy discussion about why their failing and what their doing wrong.  They already tell themselves how they fail all day every day.  They need someone to break that cycle, not encourage it.

This is so much harder than it looks because the cause is often hidden by years and layers of negative experiences and negative self-talk.  A person in this situation is convinced of their worthlessness because life is a reflection of what we consistently focus on and that creates a  cycle of belief and proof in their eyes.  A compliment of "that color is so pretty on you" is continued in their head as, "but you're so fat in it you still look gross, which is why I complimented the color and didn't say you actually look pretty yourself".   Maybe that sounds extreme but it is actual fact.  We really think this way, and not just occasionally...All the time.

So the next time you see a fat or obese person.  Don't judge them as weaker than you.  Compare your own insecurity and weakness and ask yourself how you would feel if everyone, even total strangers, could see it just by looking at you.  Be compassionate look a little deeper and see if there is a wound you can tend.  Add a little healing ointment, as it were.  A kind word does wonders.  If you hear ANYONE say something negative about themselves, call them out.  Tell them how great you think they are, and be specific!  "You're awesome" is meaningless.  "You're an awesome friend, I can tell you anything." is way more helpful.  The worse thing you can do is ignore them because it reinforces their solitude.  And the cycle continues.

Next time I'm going to give you some actual tips on dos and don'ts for helping yourself or a loved one.  I'll explain why you are actually doing more damage when you think you're helping.  Some of these will surprise you!


All good things...
Tina